No Way! No, Thank You. Nah Brah. It's a Not Yes.
Classes are back in session, and many of you are finally hitting your stride with this semester's schedule. The rest of you may be like me and you are thinking, "Stride schmide. This semester has already been crazy." Every year, September is a busy month for our family. I am away from home multiple weekends of the month. I overbook my weekdays with meetings and work commitments. I basically leave no wiggle room for anything unexpected that inevitably seems to pop up at the worst times. You would think I would learn, but every year it is the same. I want to place blame for this busy season elsewhere; however, the reality is that I do it to myself.
Hello, my name is Tami, and I am a recovering people pleaser. I have always had a hard time saying no to things, because I don't like disappointing people. I also hate leaving things looming and incomplete. There, I've said it. If you're feeling overwhelmed like me, what is your excuse or explanation?
Over the years, I have come to realize that saying no is not always about whether you want to do something or not. It isn't about letting someone down or not. Saying no is often the result of deciding whether you are able or even should say "yes". It is often the result of questions like, "Do I have enough time, energy, bandwidth to perform this task in a way I can be proud of?" "Do I have enough time in the rest of my day or week to recover the time lost when I could have been doing more important things like working, studying, or even sleeping?" "How will saying 'yes' impact the rest of my day/week/month?" And of course, "Do I really want to do this, or am I just doing it to please someone else? (Which is not always a bad thing.)" Being able to ask questions like these and be honest with yourself and others leads to a very healthy thing called "setting boundaries". You should try it!
The people in your life might have to adjust to your healthier way of managing your boundaries around time, energy, comfort, health, etc. They will get used to it though, and they will become comfortable knowing what your boundaries are and how to respect them. Perhaps, they too will begin to set their own personal boundaries as a result.
What are your priorities at this phase of your life? Have you shaped your schedule and calendar around those priorities in ways that leave you still able to care for yourself? Or, have you added so many extra things that you aren't able to give those priorities the attention and energy they deserve? As we begin to think more about setting boundaries to protect our priorities, our time, our energy, our mental health, let's try something. Instead of deciding whether you should say no to something, ask yourself if you are able to say yes. You are constantly being invited to add things to your life. You have the opportunity to be honest with yourself and others, and sometimes you may need to say, "I'm not able to say yes to that at this time." Doesn't that sound a bit better than no? I'm not able to discuss this any further with you at this time.
Tami Woods
Director of College and Young Adult Ministries
